I'm in love with a man in belize. He's the best of everything. He's mine. And I have to leave. What a screwy place to be.. Needing to finish up my life at home, wishing i could just quickly start one here.

What can I do when i'm this confused? If i don't know then i don't deserve to be told? right what the hell does that mean. How am I supposed to know how he feels about me if he wont say? if the only time I love you actually comes out of his mouth is during or after sex? maybe i'm pushing it? maybe i'm trying to hard to figure this all out and not letting it flow as it will.. but i'm just worried.. i'll keep getting in deeper and then well nothing will happen. I'm scared i'm not enough. Enough of anything, pretty enough, smart enough, good enough. blah thats bullshit really. I'm good enough for whoever wants me. I'm not going to change who I am. I'm no better or worse then anyone else. it's either i'm right or i'm not. and I know deep down that i am right for him or at least he's right for me. but is it too late? gah like i said i'm crazy... i worry to much, i can't shut my mind off.. like everything in my heart rebels against the idea that he doesn't care for me the way i do. and my brain well my brain says "Oh you stupid naive heart, don't you see? Don't you get you could be broken again? Why are you so happy about love!?" haha soooo two parts of me want two different things. and love will always win out but my brain has to make the path as difficult as possible.

i blame david for screwing me up i hate him for it.. i absolutely hate him for what he's done to me ..

**

Gah it's so hot here. lol it's amazing!

I don't know what the hell i'm going to do when i'm at home. :S it's terrible thinking about it. being away from him.. I'm already planning another trip to belize and I haven't left yet! I've loved basically everything about this trip. :) him first of all. his family... haha they're hilarious! even his brothers girlfriend is great. :( His dad is by far my favorite though.. shhh don't tell everyone else that.

you see I'm not able to talk about this to most people... it's sort of an odd situation that people don't really care to understand.. so i'll rave on a blog that no one reads!

I'm going home on the 5th.. it's coming so fast I can't help but think about leaving.. and it's a bid depressing. but i've got to live the life i've been living right? got to finish the thing's i've started. lol fucking rules!

"i fell in love by the seaside!"

so have you ever wondered how someone could love you? I do.. after crying and getting upset at small things. But thats who I am. I like my hand held... I hate being hidden.. it makes me feel like we're doing something wrong, or that i'm just not good enough. I KNOW that is not true... but sometimes my emotions get control. I can't help that i like to be touched and held. or that i cry over family i love..

well anyway why would someone love me? I don't understand it. Damn relationships so confusing! one second i'm perfectly fine.. then WHAM... LOVE. haha it screws with my head. makes me question myself and worry about everything. I'm in love and i'm crazy. very bad combo.

BELIZE

hm it's been awhile since i've written anything. and well i figured why not start now!? :D I'm up trying to keep from dieing in this stupid game i've recently become addicted to, up to late in the country of belize. And I'm trying to find the right words. I don't know if it's the country or the person i'm with, but everything fits here. It all works. Life feels like its finally in the right place.


gah i want to write.. but it's late... i can't get my brain to work properly at the moment. so I'll just give a quick word or two about my trip so far.


Amazing, strange, mind blowing, sexy, interesting, entertaining, shocking, new, a change, relaxed,

slow paced, haha fast paced ;)... creaky bed, small room, gay neighbors, shared bathroom..

I'll go on later... :) each word describes one new memory.

JD Emard

There's this guy He's one of those people that seems to not only put a toe over the line but jump completely over it. He also had a wonderful nack for well, pissing me off. :D Which I've never found in another person.. it was amazing. We would spend a week debating one thing. Eventually it would die down and we would be fine again for maybe two days. His ass should have been invincible he was like superman to me. Nothing less no where near human enough to die! It was just his personality. No matter how much he pretended to hate. there was nothing but love. There will never be better.. or worse.. :) He was the ultimate good-guy asshole and we all loved him.

He died June 4th.. this past wed. Fighting in Irag. it was his second tour.. he was only 20. There will never be another JD..

see it's just now hitting me how real his death is. It's not something i can escape.. I heard it but it didn't idk feel real. not untill I read it in the paper this morning... it was his picture.. his goofyass face in front of that flag. dieing doing what he did best. fighting. god do i miss him though. I miss that there will not be another day another fight another makeup.. god and i'll miss the jackass jokes.

Three others died that day...

Everything works out... People end up remembering. "I love you"

Always better when we're together!!!

to bad there's no one to be together with.

ah ignore my rantings ay? pino on an empty stomach and a childrens movie make me lonely.


I wish I could express myself to everyone. Instead of a simple hello handing out an essay on the true heather. Oh the inner workings of well me. To bad no one would actually take the time to read it huh? No one really wants to know who the other person is. All they truly care about is themselves. Who they are how they are where they are what they're doing and what they will be doing how they're feeling. Well you know what sometimes i care about those things too but i also think them about the person next to me. Sure everyone always worries about themselves so why is it so hard to take a moment and worry about someone else? ahhh

read the lyrics to overkill.. yup

By Hugh

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Starlight

*For Heather*

Starlight, that white candlelight,

Somewhere, they gave up the fight.

Trees in the wind, flash with that bright morning light.

And you know what they tell you,

Is lost in that wind,

Singing at the clouds in that warm midday light.



Starlight, that peculiar night time light.

Dusk, pink-orange clouds, warm evening light.

White clouds reach up and tower,

Cathedrals that set sail to dream,

Empires of sound, bright white in that clear afternoon light.



Crystal hopes in my dawn sky,

Stretching to touch my horizons.

A leaf falls to catch that dream,

The sky above:

Blue canvas, and clouds coloured cream.